By
Day 1
Today I made three decisions. The first being that I will keep a diary of my final days, for I know that mytime here is just about up…how much time I have left is yet to be determined. The second, is that I will record in this journal the makings of a song that has begun to circulate in my head. A song which tells my life in it's words. A song which I truly hope will make a difference to…someone. The third decision was very difficult to make. Indeed, I'm not sure I can go through with it. But, I must. I feel that were I to ever really know happiness again, then this is the only answer. I must attend the Jellicle Ball this year.
Day 2
"Midnight. Not a sound from the pavement.
Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone."
In the lamplight the withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan."
It is late. Late in hour and in life. I am old…and alone. No one is here. All is quiet. There is only me and the moon, yet even the moon seems to forget me. She, who has been there since I was young, seems to now ignore me, and shine alone. She prefers her own company to mine. Now I must look to the lamps for my light and my company as I wait for someone to notice me. But, only the dead leaves are willing to gather round and touch me. It seems even the wind moans as if regretting the fact that it must blow past me.
Day 3
"Memory All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days, I was beautiful then.
I remember the time I knew what happiness was,
Let the memory live again."
There are so many memories that come to mind as I stand here all alone. The older memories are the ones I can smile at. It was in my younger days in which I was quite beautiful. Indeed, I had relied on my beauty for my friends and my happiness. But, that hadn't always been the case. Before I had discovered what my beauty could get me, and where it could lead me, I had my family and my friends. I focused my attention on them, and not myself. It was then that I was truly happy….though I didn't realize it. I had seen others who looked happier than I did, and I sought after what they had, using my looks to get me where I wanted to go. I thought then that my beauty would bring me true happiness. Ahh…but hindsight can do nothing for me now. All I can do now is remember, and re-live what I can in those memories.
Day 4
"Every street lamp seems to beat
a fatalistic warning.
Someone mutters and a street lamp gutters
and soon it will be morning."
As I said before, I look to the street lights to be my light…but it seems that they too will soon be leaving me alone as they begin to blink off, as if in warning. There was much I had given up in life, and much I had done, which now I can say, I regret. No one looks me in the eyes anymore. No one approaches me. No one dares to even touch me. My beauty has left me. When that went, so did everyone else. They only mutter under their breath, thinking I don't hear them, or not caring if I hear what they have to say about me. I wait out the night. I wait out my life. But the night will soon end.
Day 5
"Daylight. I must wait for the sunrise,
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in.
When the dawn comes tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin."
This dark night that I used to enjoy is now suffocating me! I grow tired of this endless loneliness. I want a friend. I want my happiness back. Sometimes, I think that I should just curl up, and let it take over. But, I can't. Not now. Not when I know how to find my happiness, and get it back! For I now know that I had it within my grasp, but I didn't see it for what it was! I was too wrapped up in myself. The Jellicle Ball is my last hope. I know now that I cannot miss it, no matter what they may think of me. I must let myself think of that day. Yes…day. A new day. A new life. I will not give in to the darkness surrounding me now. Not when I'm so close! If all works out, this will all be but another memory.
Day 6
"Burnt out ends of smoky days,
the stale cold smell of morning.
The street lamp dies, another night is over,
another day is dawning."
Since I strayed away from my family and friends in search of satisfying my hunger for attention and happiness, I have been living out my days one after another, until they had all run into each other, blurring out how long I had been gone. I don't know how I found myself in the predicament I had, but there was no changing it. I was still searching for that unattainable high called true happiness, and I was blind to any other goal around me. My thoughts were of me, and me alone. I flitted from one place to the other, not caring who I stepped on in my eagerness for attention. I was even called the Glamour Cat, and I was proud of it. But, now, I no longer wake up to a bright new day. It is only another stale day full of hurt and abandonment. This is the day. Tonight I will attend the Ball. Tonight….tonight I will find out if I will find my happiness again. This is my last chance, I fear. I must try to start my life anew. A new day. A new life.
Day 7
"Touch me. It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun.
If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is.
Look a new day has begun."
I have finished my song. And I have decided to sing it for my fellow Jellicles in hopes of getting them to understand. I want them to understand how I know I was wrong in leaving them behind, and being so selfish. I regret my decisions in life, but perhaps, I can help at least keep one of them from making the same mistake I did. This loneliness is consuming me. I can't even remember the last time someone even touched me. It's too easy for them to turn aside and leave me by myself. They think that I wouldn't know, or care. But I do. To a cat, touch can be a vital part of its existence. I feel so burdened by this need to touch another cat, to feel accepted…to feel….loved. If only one would touch me, to show me he or she understands that all I want is to be loved, and to love others, then I will be happy again! Then I can say that I did something right! It is the only thing I can do this late in life. My night is about over. I hope a new day will begin for me. A new day….a new life…a new happiness.
whether or not to read it. I am glad I did. And I feel it necessary to write in this final comment. Grizabella sang her song to the whole crowd at the Ball, and it got through…even though she had to try more than once to get it out. But she made a difference in one of the young kitten's lives. And after hearing her song, I knew that it was she who was to go to the Heaviside Layer. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. Therefore, I held out my paw, and as I took her paw in mine, I lead her over to the tire, and then took her to the entrance to the Heaviside Layer. And, yes, she did find true happiness. She did understand what true happiness was. It was her memories that lead her back to us, and her memories that kept her going. I can say that she will be happy from now on. And there will be no more loneliness.